Moving Forward, Facing Uncertainty

A Mennonite: My Cultural Background When I was young, I was largely unable to distinguish between Mennonite-specific cultural details, small town life, general Christianity, and the dominant 90s culture. I was told seemingly anecdotal stories of Christians being horrifically oppressed, but didn’t understand how those tales applied to me. I knew some of the foods we ate were culturally specific, and our Christian traditions were somehow more valid than those of outsider Christians. I knew my relatives on both sides immigrated to Canada from Paraguay, but I wasn’t sure where they had come from before then. My top guesses were Russian or German ancestry, but I had no real idea. Greeting card seen at Mennonite Heritage Village Museum My first discovery into the true origins of my ancestors came with the completion of a DNA ancestry kit. I was genuinely surprised to learn my genetic make-up is as equally matched to Dutch as it is to German, with Belgian and Scandinavian in smaller amoun...

Before We Get Into It, Let’s Define Disability Canada’s Federal definition of disability is as follows:                 “Disability is a complex phenomenon, reflecting an interaction between features of a person's body and mind and features of the society in which they live. A disability can occur at any time in a person's life; some people are born with a disability, while others develop a disability later in life. It can be permanent, temporary or episodic. Disability can steadily worsen, remain the same, or improve. It can be very mild to very severe. It can be the cause, as well as the result, of disease, illness, injury, or substance abuse.” - https://www.canada.ca/en/employment-social-development/programs/disability/arc/reference-guide.html The World Health Organization goes further to say:                 “ Disability is p...

Disclaimer: I have no knowledge as to whether the STAT Program continues to exist in the form I experienced. The purpose of sharing these experiences is to offer insight, awareness, and/or validation to those who may benefit from hearing my story. Some years ago, I attended the “STAT Program” hosted by the psychiatric facility in HSC. The reputation of the program was an intense, rigorous mental health course, requiring exceptional dedication to one’s wellness and personal growth. My doctor warned me of this when I asked to be referred, but my dedication was strong and I was not deterred. When I went in for my assessment, before being accepted into the program, I was informed of the strict attendance rules; 8am – 4pm, Monday to Friday, for five consecutive weeks. To be counted as in attendance, one had to be inside the classroom before the door was closed at the beginning of each class, and three “absences” resulted in expulsion from the program. These high expectations were the fi...

As Christians, we were taught our morality depended on our avoidance of “sins”. Sins are considered not only generally harmful, but spiritually harmful as well. This creates a mechanism in which any wrongs committed can be held against someone as evidence of their impurity, lack of faith, or rebellion. Within this mechanism, it becomes very important to be moral and follow the rule of morality, and sometimes this develops into a sense of judgment or misunderstanding towards those who don’t subscribe to the same rule. I know I used to have this same assumption towards non-Christians, and I have since heard many Christians ask how I, or any other non-Christian, can claim to have a sense of morality. I will admit, when I first left the church I was uncertain how to assess what I considered moral or not. It does take some time to learn the skills necessary to accomplish this . I questioned my stances on premarital sex, euthanasia, abortion, modesty, violent and gory media, curse words, an...

[Content Warning: Descriptions of emotional, psychological, and physical child abuse] Until adulthood, I did not consider the physical violence of spanking or “corporal punishment” to be especially harmful. I had always understood the logic and intention behind the practice and I rationed there was a specific difference between spanking and “abuse”. Spanking existed within a disciplinary structure which included other tools. It would only be “abuse” if the physical violence was random and without reason. These were rationales I adopted from those who had condoned the conditions of my being spanked. From my understanding, spanking was set inside of a disciplinary structure which began with segregating the child. This alone time is intended for the child to reflect on their wrongdoing, while providing the adult time to become calm for the disciplinary interaction. When the adult returns, there is a conversation regarding the wrongdoing; Do you know what you did, Why did you do it, Did yo...

[ Disclaimer: Neither the title nor text of this post supports excusing the struggles of or abuses faced by victims of any kind. I cannot express enough how further traumatizing it has been to have people use my “bad attitude” against me when I’ve suffered. “Bad attitude”, or not suffering “correctly”, is never a valid reason to victim-blame someone, deny them help, nor presume what is best for them.] I need my sleep. It is critical for the management of both my chronic physical conditions and ongoing trauma recovery work. I put in a lot of time and effort, beginning the moment I awake and ending with the moment I fall asleep, to ensure I will get the rest I require. Despite this, there are still times when sleep evades me, and I end up lying in bed frustrated. Experiencing frustration is, notably, not a sleep-compatible emotion. The more frustrated I become, the more agitation fills my body. Tension builds and takes over all my muscles, I find my eyes open and staring with no pur...