It's Not the Stimuli, It's Your Response (React vs. Respond)

[Disclaimer: Neither the title nor text of this post supports excusing the struggles of or abuses faced by victims of any kind. I cannot express enough how further traumatizing it has been to have people use my “bad attitude” against me when I’ve suffered. “Bad attitude”, or not suffering “correctly”, is never a valid reason to victim-blame someone, deny them help, nor presume what is best for them.]

I need my sleep. It is critical for the management of both my chronic physical conditions and ongoing trauma recovery work. I put in a lot of time and effort, beginning the moment I awake and ending with the moment I fall asleep, to ensure I will get the rest I require. Despite this, there are still times when sleep evades me, and I end up lying in bed frustrated.

Experiencing frustration is, notably, not a sleep-compatible emotion. The more frustrated I become, the more agitation fills my body. Tension builds and takes over all my muscles, I find my eyes open and staring with no purpose, and as frustration grows it morphs into anger and desperation. Anger is indignant, refusing to attempt to sleep. Anger would prefer to stay awake all night if unconsciousness does not come instantaneously. Desperation wails and cries, begging for relief, but is similarly unwilling to do what is necessary to achieve rest. More recently, this is a process I am often able to observe within myself rather than act out.

The above paragraph describes my automatic reaction to being unable to fall asleep within a “reasonable amount of time”. It is fairly obvious this reaction is counter-productive to the overall goal of falling and being asleep. Whether or not there is a tangible problem keeping me from sleeping, the above reaction does nothing to find resolution. Or does so poorly and with additional consequences. Being able to observe the reactionary process internally, before acting, allows me assess whether this is an effective or wanted reaction to embrace. With this information I can choose to respond, rather than react, with intention, awareness, and towards my goal of falling asleep.

“It’s not the stimuli, it’s your response”, I repeat to myself when I become frustrated while attempting to go to bed. I remind myself, “I am in control of my breathing”. If a disturbance causes me to hold my breath or breathe rapidly, I am able to notice this, slow my breath, and relax my body. This is the foundation. If I am safe, if there is no immediate threat, if in this moment my needs are met, and if I know where to find help should I require it, my breathing can become my only concern.

My breath is an anchor, tethering my spirit to my body. My breath is a blanket, holding me, warming me, comforting me. My breath is shimmering light, guiding me to peaceful slumber.

I’m happy to report this strategy works much of the time I am able to access it. I am often able to notice my frustration in its early stages and begin calming myself before becoming too upset. Even when I do get to the point of outward frustration, these tools are still here for me and help me calm down and get back to bed as quickly as possible. As mentioned previously, this skill only works for this purpose if I am otherwise feeling quite safe and secure, including knowing where to get help should I feel like I need it. In my typical sleeping routine, there are people available for me to access during the night if I am struggling and need help. This is an important aspect of my being capable of accessing tools like this one.

If you are struggling to use or access some tools or skills, consider whether there are unmet needs which may need addressing first. If you are already aware of your unmet needs or barriers to skills and have no avenue to address them currently, I encourage you to extend compassion to yourself (repeatedly) for doing your best with what you have right now. It’s not fair and it’s not okay, but many of us are going through it. Self-compassion is the best gift we can give ourselves in these times.

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