The Lasting Effects of "Spanking"

[Content Warning: Descriptions of emotional, psychological, and physical child abuse]

Until adulthood, I did not consider the physical violence of spanking or “corporal punishment” to be especially harmful. I had always understood the logic and intention behind the practice and I rationed there was a specific difference between spanking and “abuse”. Spanking existed within a disciplinary structure which included other tools. It would only be “abuse” if the physical violence was random and without reason. These were rationales I adopted from those who had condoned the conditions of my being spanked.

From my understanding, spanking was set inside of a disciplinary structure which began with segregating the child. This alone time is intended for the child to reflect on their wrongdoing, while providing the adult time to become calm for the disciplinary interaction. When the adult returns, there is a conversation regarding the wrongdoing; Do you know what you did, Why did you do it, Did you know better, Are you going to do it again, etc. Once the adult is satisfied the child has understood their transgression and are appropriately repentant, the spanking would begin. [The docuseries "Shiny Happy People", episode 2, shows a clip of pastor Bill Ligon demonstrating nearly this exact method.]

Spanking was very effective on me, if the goal is a quiet, submissive child. From my outward appearance, my family felt I met their goals of an obedient, God-fearing child, and they praised me for my submissive behaviors. For a long time I too believed spanking had a hand in my “pleasant disposition”, “friendliness”, and “self-awareness”, traits I have been praised for since childhood.

The reality of how being spanked has impacted me is much different. The aspect which continues to surprise me is how I cannot recall a single wrongdoing I did to deserve a spanking. Of course, there must have been some kind of transgression. But the point is, I cannot remember what was supposed to be corrected, what I did wrong, or how I was supposed to do better in the future. All I remember are the feelings of fear and betrayal.

A classic line from an adult administering a spanking is, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.” This line refers to the adult’s belief that their emotional pain caused by inflicting physical pain on a child is greater than the physical pain experienced by the child. This could be true. However, the emotional pain inflicted on the child is almost always greater than any amount of physical pain experienced, and this was certainly true in my experience.

In my memory, I am waiting in my bedroom for the adult to come and punish me. I am afraid, my heart is beating quickly, and I know I cannot anticipate the moment the adult will arrive. When the adult walks in, a small amount of emotional relief; The wait is over. We sit down together and we have a conversation I never remember. My body feels tense in anticipation for the physical pain I know is coming. The adult concludes the conversation and asks me to assume the position. At this point I feel sick to my stomach. I know I cannot reason or bargain with the adult, I cannot escape this room, I cannot fight the adult, and so I submit. Physical pain is then experienced, but it is not the most memorable feeling in this moment. What I feel even as I type this is a feeling of heaviness coursing through my body, the sadness of the realization this adult is willing to harm me intentionally, the helplessness of being held down by a care-giver and given pain instead, and the bitterness of knowing if these adults won’t protect me, no one can.

Some may say, “Pain is part of life, we can’t hide our children from pain!” This is true. But parents are responsible for how their children are introduced to pain, how they learn to interpret pain, and how they learn to process and cope with pain long term. As a child, I learned the most painful experiences in life come from those labeled caregivers and protectors. I learned there is no escaping pain; it lives in your home, follows you through the community, and eventually becomes part of you. I learned I have to deal with my pain alone, unless I want to experience more pain. I learned if I wanted to avoid pain I had to avoid other people. These lessons, or beliefs, are validated by my lived experiences, but they are not constructive beliefs to hold.

Now in my 30s, I struggle with the impacts of these lessons learned at such a young age. I have always been and am still careful around adult men, unsure of what might trigger them into becoming angry enough to shun or strike me. I prefer to be alone because I experience anxiety, panic attacks, and hypervigilance when any other people are around, even trusted family and friends. It is near impossible, and awfully painful, to ask others for help, because I believe it’s safer to just deal with problems by myself. I have caused myself additional pain countless times in my life, because my developmental experiences taught me pain is inevitable and unavoidable. I believed there was no use trying to leave a bad situation, do something new, or make positive changes, because my developmental experiences taught me the result would always be more pain.

Through mental health education, trauma recovery work, and spiritual exploration, I have found some excellent tools and supports which are helping me slowly unlearn some of these unhelpful beliefs. When I reflect on my past experiences, I can tell myself “I was a child then, with no tools, skills, or supports to help me make changes.” This validates my fearful feelings, while putting them into the appropriate context (the past), allowing the intensity of my fear to lessen. Afterwards, I can remind myself, “I am an adult now, with many tools and skills to draw from, and a few trusted and reliable supports to confide in and seek help from.” Sometimes this simple reminder is enough to bring me to calm, but other times I need to identify and use more of my tools and skills, or ask for the kind of support I might find helpful in the moment.

I am learning I am allowed to make mistakes and I deserve to be corrected with compassion and kindness. I am learning that although pain is an inevitable part of life, pain can be effectively cared for and processed with the right practices and interpersonal supports. I am learning how positive and rewarding working through conflict can be, prioritizing communication and understanding rather than protecting myself from perceived threats. I am learning other people can be powerful allies in my personal journey, not just barriers.

These new lessons are difficult to internalize. It has taken years of intentional self-education and practice to get where I am today. But the truth is I never knew I could feel this good about myself, optimistic about day to day life, and hopeful for the future. I am experiencing degrees of joy I had always thought out of my reach. Although I still struggle with the impacts of these experiences, I know with continued effort on my part and support from my loved ones I will grow to know deeper and deeper joys.

If you can relate to any of these experiences, emotions, or unhelpful beliefs, there are a variety of resources available. Whether you have experienced physical violence or not, living with these emotions and beliefs long term is an excruciating experience and you deserve care and support.

Resource Finder: Shared Health - Mental Health Resources in Manitoba